Poor telling jokes probably arise simply a matter, because you can never remember the things properly. With ‚man‘ I also mean me, because to me constantly goes so. The lady here that unfortunately gets after a bottle of wine but do not really towards…
If a hunter on hunting bears. After a while, he sees a bear and shoots. As the smoke clears, he noticed, that he has missed the bear.
Suddenly the bear taps him on the shoulder and says,: „Either I fuck you or I'll kill you!“
Hunter: „Ok, fuck me!“
Then the hunter goes home angry and swears himself, the next day to kill the bear.
The next day we go again. He sifts through the bear and shoot again does not.
The bear typing on his shoulder again and says: „Either I can fuck you again or I'll kill you.“
The poor hunter can fuck again and returns home.
„This time I catch the bear shit determined“, he says to himself and goes back the next day to hunt.
See again the bear. But shoots back next.
The bear is back behind him and asks: „You probably will not get to hunt in the forest!?“
The wife of Meyer is drowned while scuba diving off Mallorca.
Two years later, the Coast Guard found the body of an email and send Meyer: „Covered with shells found your wife's body. Pearls have a value of about. 500.000 Euro.“
Meyer answers: „Sell pearls, Transfer money, Lay bait again!“
Drei alte Women gehen ins Schwimmbad. When the first floats, bring it to the lifeguard and asks them, why they could swim so well.
The woman says, that they had been formerly Club Champion.
Also swims as the second old woman, bring it to the lifeguard and also asks them why they could swim so well.
The woman says, she was once country champion.
As the third woman swims, is the lifeguard says very beeindrucktund, it was the best swimmer, he had ever seen.
Then the old woman laughs and says: „I was also previously a prostitute in Venice and have almost only made house calls.
Was ist bei Women better: Mad cow disease or swine fever?
It's obvious! Swine! Dear ne horny slut as a stupid cow.
Storms suddenly a woman completely resolved from a sauna and says to the supervision, they seie been touched inappropriately.
The warden tries, to comfort the woman and reassure, since been a fantastic addition, and also claimed more women, also she had been touched inappropriately.
The man is still busy, die beiden weinenden Women zu trösten, than a third also runs and also announced sobbing, they seie been touched inappropriately.
Thereupon the warden decides, but now look up, what is going on in there. However, it may at first find nothing unusual. But suddenly he sees a man, of crawling around on the floor.
„What are you doing?“ he speaks in these.
The man replies: „Ich habe meine Brille und mein Toupet lost, the glasses I can not find easily, but that toupee I had already three times in the hand!“
A Zurich, a Bernese, a boy Frau und eine Nonne sitzen gemeinsam in einem Zugabteil.
After a while the train passes through a tunnel. In the dark you can hear at once a loud bang like a slap in the face.
When the train comes out of the dark tunnel, rubs the Zurich cheek.
The Zurich thinks: „In, as the young guy has probably reached the girl and she has provided me a lubricated.“
The nun thinks: „Since the Zurich has probably angegrapscht the young lady and she has smeared him.“
The young woman thinks: „Since he probably want to grope me and accidentally caught the nun, giving it a smeared.“
The Bernese thinks: „The next tunnel hau I the Zurich again a purely!“
The farmer comes earlier than agreed to return home and caught his wife in bed with the servant. He beats him K.O.
When the servant comes to herself, he is in the barn on a tool bench, is naked and his best piece is clamped in a vise. Confused, he looks around and sees the peasant sharpening a knife.
Terrified, he screams: „For heaven's sake, They will not cut off my HIM?“
Dirty grin puts the knife next to the farmer's servant and says: „Nee nee, you are allowed to do yourself. I go out now and set fire to the barn!“
A boy Dame auf der Entbindungsstation ist kurz vor der Geburt und die Hebamme fragt, whether they would like, that the husband is in childbirth while.
„I'm afraid, I have no husband“ she answers.
„Ok, you have a friend?“ asks the Midwife.
„No, also no friend.“
„Haben Sie denn einen Partner?“
„No, I'm not strong bond. I'm going to get my baby alone.“
After delivery, the midwife again turns to the young woman: „They have a lively healthy girl, But before I have to see it to warn them, that it is black.“
„Now“, replies the young woman, „I had bad luck, no money, no apartment and since I have accepted a role in a porn movie. The main character was black.“
„Oh“, says the midwife, „that really does not concern me and I'm sorry, I have to ask you these terrible questions, But I must also point out, that the baby has blonde hair.“
„Oh well“, says the young woman, „The supporting cast was one from Sweden.“
„Oh“, answers the midwife, „it's really none of my business and I hate to even have to continue drilling, but the baby also has slanted eyes.“
„And, there was even such a small Chinese. I really had no choice.“
Now the midwife brings the baby and hands it over to the young woman, which immediately gives him a pat on the butt. The baby begins to cry and the mother calls:
„What do you mean?“ asks the Midwife shocked.
„Now“, the young woman says facilitates, „I had the horrible feeling that maybe it would bark!“
A man comes into Tattoo-Studio and would like to have tattooed on his pride and a five hundred euro note.
There you are indeed accustomed to unusual requests, But a bill on the Willy's new.
Therefore, the tattoo artist would wissen, why there should be a five-hundred?
„Yes you look, First, I like money in hand, Secondly, I like to see how my capital grows and third, I promised my wife, you every week 500 EURO may fade.“
A rich man is on his deathbed. He would take his fortune to the grave. In his last hour, he leaves his doctor, his lawyer and call a pastor to be. He gives each 50.000 Euro and a promise, that put all three of the money in his grave at the funeral. At the funeral, the pastor occur in succession, the doctor and the lawyer to the grave and throw in an envelope.
On the way the minister breaks down in tears: „I have sinned. I must confess, I only 40.000 Euros have placed in the envelope. 10.000 € I have taken on a new altar in our old church.“
Then the doctor says: „I must admit, I even only 30.000 Euro have thrown into the grave. Our clinic urgently needs new equipment, for I have 20.000 Euro diverted.“
The lawyer replies: „Gentlemen, I'm shocked! Of course I put the deceased on a check for the full amount to the grave“.
Günter F. an elderly gentleman from Harsum in Hildesheim, was just on my way to bed, when his wife reminded him, that he has the light in the carport can burn.
Said Gunter opened the door to conservatory, to turn off the light in the carport, but looked, that there were burglars in the carport, To steal appliances.
Er rief die Polizei an, where he was asked, whether the burglars were also with him in the house.
He said: „No, but there are burglars in the carport, are just taking, to steal from me.“
The policeman said „All emergency vehicles are busy. Close the doors to the house. Once a radio patrol is available, I send this over to you immediately.“
Gunther said: „Okay.“
He hung up, counted to 30. Then he called back to the police.
„Hello, I just called up to you, because burglars steal things from my carport. You no longer need to hurry now, I have just shot both.“ And hung up.
Arrived five minutes later 6 The police cars, a Special Purpose Command, a helicopter, five fire the fire, a paramedic and an ambulance on the F-family house. a.
The two burglars were arrested in the act.
One of the officers then said to Günter: „You told, They would have shot the burglar!“
Gunter replied: „And you said, no one would be available!“
Man, dressed from head to foot like Napoleon, looking at the urging of his wife, a psychiatrist at. „In, what have you for a problem?“ asks the soul doctor. „I? None at“, replies the man. „I am one of the most famous personalities of the world, Behind me stands a massive army, I'm swimming in money and treat myself every luxury.“ „Nice, but what then leads to me?“ „My wife“, says the man. „She thinks, she was Mrs. Schulze.“
Das psychiatrische Call Center. „Welcome to the mental health call center. If you feel threatened, then press the 1! But quickly! If you have no self-confidence, then ask someone else, the 2 to press! If you have a split personality, press the 3, the 4, the 5 and the 6! If you suffer from paranoia, then wissen we, who you are and what you want. Stay as long in the line, until we have traced the call! If you are schizophrenic, then listen to the voices. They tell you, you which number to press! If you are manic-depressive, it does not matter, which number you press: No one listens to you …“
Five German in an Audi Quattro reach the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and says:
„Esse isse illegally driving an Audi Quattro center ine five Perssonne!“
„What do you mean, it is illegal?“, asks the German driver.
„Four Vier heisste“, replies the Italian customs officer.
„Quattro is just the name of the car“, says the German disbelief.
„Look at the papers: This vehicle can carry five people.“
„Dasse you could erssälle their Great Mother!“ responds the customs officer.
„Four Vier heisste. You have a large choice fünnfe Perssonne in the car untebrechen sommit the Gessese!“
The driver responds applied: „You idiot! Get your supervisor immediately, I would like to talk to someone, is competent!“
„Dasse tutte mir leitt“, replies the Italian, „He nodded come jug. He still isse beschefftigd center ssswei Perssonne in einne Fiat Uno!“